takes

this love has taken it's toll on me ... and i said 'good-bye' too many times before.

past

dearest jessie. there is nothing much to say at this point in our relationship, but despite that i want to let you know what you will always be a part of me. the past nine years have been hard on both you and i... and you're right... i think we now have come to the dreaded moment but somehow guiltily want. you have been a supportive partner to me. you were always there to somehow save me in my dire moments. thank you. as for our family, may god help our children become better people than we are, may they have bright futures ahead ful of opportunities and happiness that you and i lacked. i am still the same amy as you found me years back... and i think you are just going to leave this relationship as is. be happy and start living your life my love. do not be afraid of being alone because you know that your children will always be there and so will i if you ever needed me. you are now fre from your promises and responsibilities t me. once gain, thank y0u for giving up your life for nine years to better this family. its now time to take your life back. always, amy. "when everything ends and your life begins".

i found this letter i wrote to jessie a few years ago with some old files. i guess our relationship has not changed much since then. still here fighting ... still destroying each other within. more pain, more tears ... losing hope, strength and will.

habit

quad venti soy extra caramel drizzle caramel macchiato extra hot no foam. that is indeed my fave coffee order from the infamous starbucks. rawr. so yeah ... that keeps me going like the energizer bunny. and to top it off ... benson and hedges superslims menthol. yowch. oh the joys of being a teacher. well here we are again > blogging the trials and tribulations of the A. show. jess and i are still in the 'fix' things mode. i am trying but my heart is not in it. i have my reasons. love is not a part of it. T man is good as always. he keeps me sane for the most part. no pressure when it comes to him. just enjoying life together. hope this friendship can withstand the ultimate test, and that would be me being with jessie for good. i have to close doors eventually... and not even leave a window open. remember always.

song

This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear. This is my December. This is my snow covered home. This is my December. This is me alone. And I, Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I, Take back all the things I said. To make you feel like that And I, Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was something I missedAnd I, Take back all the things that I said to you. And I'd give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to. This is my December. These are my snow covered trees. This is me pretending. This is all I need. And I, Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I, Take back all the things I said. To make you feel like that. And I, Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I, Take back all the things that I said to you. And I'd give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to. This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear. Give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to. Give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to.

pals

>i gave him my two cents ... happiness is his choice, for whatever fate he sets out for himself, i will be here to listen and to give my honest opinion. for now he is lost. i do not want him to make a decision that he might end up regreting for the rest of his life. a fiance, an ongoing long distance infatuation, a close friend with benefits, feelings of guilt and unhappiness this is what is on his plate. i will be here my friend.
>she hangs this question for me to answer ... 'will you pursue something that you know you cannot have?' lust, love, loyalty. specifically in that order... that is what she believes in.
>he professes his love to me "i love the hell out of you". sadly he is in this predicament - he finally knows what he wants in life - and that is me, but he cant have me.
>asks for a chance to get to know me. he can't spell. not my type, but drawn to me. he's been turned down but still pursuing.
>others might think he's the perfect catch. single, no baggage, established ... we once were actually. i will be leaving a window open for this man. maybe in the future - by some crazy twist of fate.

ring

no mistakes, only sacrifices. i remember uttering those words to him ... ten years and i'm back to where i started. this has been the hallmark of our relationship > unresolved disagreements, inability to communicate, hot heads and flaring tempers, too much pride ... one always feels that he/she has to concede though unnecessary. i guess in a way i have made my choice and that is to lay on the bed that i had made for myself ten years ago. i will take another crack at this whole togetherness thing ... giving it all, everything i've got, to the last breath, even if it means the death of me. i owe my children that much. a life for a life. my life so they can live. i am very much aware of the reasons why i have gone this route: save losses. the house, the finances, the children. it will be a new beginning for us ... i hope.

devil

he is owned. someone else's'. i know what i have gotten myself into. a mission - to figure out the psychie of man who is attached and still somewhat looking for greener pastures but not wanting to give up home. it felt good and was all fun while it lasted. the infatuation, the thrill of finding out new and interesting things about the other person, to make believe another type of life other than what is existing, to feel more important and cared for, to be listened to for once, the affirmation that you are a worthy human being. the cliche - 'all good things must come to an end' was the reality and inevitability of this set up... and we both knew that. no life altering losses, just a loss of a potentially meaningful and good friendship.

asta

summer's almost gone. doesn't mean life has changed though. still on my own ... but with a few distractions. it's funny (well not that funny) how after a relationship ends you start realizing how much it has changed you. my previous relationship was not all bad... i just wished that we were different people then. i wish i was older and knew who i was as an individual - strong and unwavering. cloudy thoughts, unclear visions - i still know my purpose and responsibility - children and future. have to make sure that i don't fail them as a parent. for now i am living. trying to get a glimpse of the life i have never experienced before. **goggles**

lull

it's been months since ... and things have been very different. sometimes confused, stressed out and overwhelmed. other times i feel blessed, proud and free. what a crazy summer of camping, hitting the parks, movies, eating out, walks by the lake, cool pools, sun-burn, boo boos, mosquito bites, work, placement, graduating ... and the list goes on. and now we're back to school, back to work, back to the daily hustle and bustle. another year - almost. fingers crossed and hoping - no more hiccups, no more bumps. just smooth sailing from here. "the world against amy" : that is my life story.

battered

once again life decides to take a trip to hellville. the man who controlled my life for almost a decade has now been put with the other skeletons in my closet. i am saddened by the fact that things had to end this way ... but right now any kind of ending, horrible it may be, is still an ending. FIN. that chapter has now ended and it will never be revisited. i have turned away and will never look back. i pray to the .g.o.d. - for my children to be unharmed by my life's "goings on". what will the future hold i ask ... unclear. for now - i know i am free from him - i am not a prisoner any longer. there is 'life' after...
**torn**